A couple
days ago I posted about my past year and the frustration I’ve felt as a result
of mistreatment from my family and just general bad luck. What I wrote is true.
I’m not sorry for it. This also will be hopefully the last time I write about
this.
I’ve been approached
by family members who seemed indignant that I felt the need to post in so
public a manner, so I will explain myself. My problem is not that I have
depression, my problem is not that I am lesbian. My problem is that my mother
is emotionally abusive. Period. Yes,
maybe posting about it publicly is low, but I refuse to be manipulated into
staying quiet and honestly the public validation feels nice after living with shitty
behavior and believing no one would believe me.
I’ve had to pretend that the way I’ve been treated is normal and okay
when it’s not, and finally having that out in the open feels amazing. If that
makes me a petty person then I’ll own it, I’m a petty person.
But let me
be clear, what our relationship had been this year (and increasingly so in the
years leading up to now) is emotionally abusive. I will link to the sources I’ve
used. A large chunk of this comes from an article posted by Psychology Today,
so I will keep those in quotes and write my additions
alongside.
Let’s start with definitions. Psychological abuse (also referred to as psychological violence, emotional abuse, or mental abuse) is a form of abuse, characterized by a person subjecting, or exposing, another person to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder (1). In 1996, Health Canada argued that emotional abuse is "based on power and control", and defines emotional abuse as including rejecting, degrading, terrorizing, isolating, corrupting/exploiting and "denying emotional responsiveness" as characteristic of emotional abuse (2).
“Emotional abuse is an attempt to control, in just the same way that physical abuse is an attempt to control another person. The only difference is that the emotional abuser does not use physical hitting, kicking, pinching, grabbing, pushing, or other physical forms of harm. Rather the perpetrator of emotional abuse uses emotion as his/her weapon of choice.
Commonly, the perpetrator of emotional abuse does not know that he or she is being abusive. Rather, she may be aware that she feels insecure about whether or not her partner loves her, so she feels compelled to accuse him of cheating, blame him for her unhappiness, or constantly check his voice and text messages, etc. The accusations, the blame, and the constant checking up are forms of emotional abuse. “ (3)
Replace cheating with “leaving the church” or “following Satan” and the comparison still stands.
The common argument in favor of someone who’s emotionally abusive is they do what they do out of love. I believe that’s true. It doesn’t make it not abusive. Attempting to control another person’s behavior, no matter the motivation, is still abuse. If anything, trying to rationalize controlling behavior with the ultimate noble motivation is arguably the most manipulative way to blame a victim for their situation. I’ve watched her make this rationalization in real time, over and over again. It’s often supported by how she interprets what Prophets and Apostles say. Because she is my mother, and because she loves me, because she wants us to be reunited in the celestial kingdom and because the Apostles have made it pretty clear queer people have to live a very specific way in order to achieve that (which includes either lifelong celibacy or mixed orientation marriage both of which can be damaging for a person), She feels justified in trying to control my behavior to those restrictions. She hasn’t spelled it out as such, but she has told me in less words that this is the case. It is her spiritual duty as a mother to control my behavior, and never stop trying to control my behavior.
“He may think that he knows what’s best for his partner or what looks correct to the outside world, so he is constantly trying to control her every move, criticizing her harshly when she doesn’t do it his way or threatening her when she seems to go outside the lines. He may verbally attack her when she argues with him, because her arguing is convincing evidence to him that he is not in control of her. He may criticize her talking, her walking, her dressing, her interactions with others, her style of living and coping in order to gain and keep control over her." (3)
Being told that I don’t know what my own feelings are and that my parents know me better than a licensed professional or myself when I come out to them is manipulative. Having what people think of our relationship be more important than my lived experience has been tiring. This is especially true when she talks about me behind my back, which surely happens. It’s damaging when it happens within our family, a support group that’s supposed to be inclusive and safe. I’ll get back to this later. The criticism I received for moving in with Rachael was irrational, and based solely I believe on the fact that she wanted me to move in with her. Again, for that sweet security that control offers. When I did not, and when she helped me voluntarily only to verbally attack me for taking that help, it was a sloppier but scarier manifestation of manipulation. I pulled back my interaction with her after that, and walked on eggshells the rest of her stay to be on her good side without apologizing for her volunteered help because that’s crazy bullshit.
“For example: Mary constantly criticizes Tim in hopes that by putting him down, she will be able to control his behavior. She belittles him when they are alone, and she puts him down in front of others. When he tries to speak up for himself or call her on her behavior, she attempts to make him feel like he is crazy, like everyone knows he’s crazy, and no one would ever take him seriously (AKA gaslighting). She blames him for her unhappiness frequently, holding him responsible for how she feels. She takes little to no responsibility for her own choices and behavior. She uses a double-standard when it comes to her own behavior, not holding herself accountable when she does the same exact things for which she criticizes him. She calls him stupid, inept, dumb, and other like names frequently. When he speaks to her relatives or friends, she rolls her eyes in an attempt to manipulate them into disrespecting him. She frequently treats him with disdain and even disgust. She threatens to leave him or to stop speaking to him frequently. And she refuses to show him affection, giving affection only when he does exactly what she wants. She is especially cold, even nonverbal, when she is mad at him. Sometimes she goes days or even weeks without speaking to him. Mary also goes to other family members and friends of Tim’s to talk to them about Tim, thus isolating Tim from those who would be supportive and could let him know that he is being abused. Mary is showing a distinct pattern of emotional abuse that comes at Tim from several different directions:
1. Constant criticism or attempts to manipulate and control
2. Shaming and blaming with hostile sarcasm or outright verbal assault
3. The use of shaming and belittling language
4. Verbal abuse — name-calling
5. Withholding affection as punishment
6. Punishment and threats of punishment
7. Refusal to accept her part in the dynamic
8. Mind games, such as gaslighting, when it comes to accepting personal responsibility for her own happiness
9. Refusing to communicate at all
10. Isolating him from supportive friends and family.” (3)
Keep in mind, even if your partner only does a handful of these things, you are still in an emotionally abusive relationship. Do not fall into the trap of telling yourself "it's not that bad" and minimizing their behavior. Remember, everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and respect (4).
I have tried in different ways to show my mother that the things she does and says are hurtful. This is not the first time that these things have been discussed between us. The fact that she rationalizes it away, ‘forgets’ things that happen or that she says, and refuses to actually apologize in any meaningful way or take any responsibility for her actions takes it away from being just hurt to manipulation. Her past attempts to rewrite experiences saying that ‘[she] never said that’, or ‘[she] doesn’t remember that’ contribute to gaslighting. Clinging to rationalizations to justify her homophobia as loving and respectful is controlling. Holding me responsible for how she feels when I respond with hurt because ‘she loves me’ and how can I hold things against her that she does out of love removes her responsibility for her own feelings. Resorting to verbal abuse when I choose not do what she says is just verbal abuse. And my personal favorite, speaking to my brother behind my back and without my knowledge to the effect that he no longer supports me Isolated me from my family in a real way. It’s not a me or her situation Scott. It shouldn’t have ever been.
“Let’s talk about what emotional abuse is not. It is not emotionally abusive to break up with a partner. It is not emotionally abusive to argue with your partner. It is not emotionally abusive when someone reacts to what you have done with hurt. People react out of their own perceptions, so their reactions do not define your behavior. It is also not emotional abuse to speak one’s mind with blunt honesty. Perhaps the statement lacks tact, but it is not emotionally abusive. Again, just because someone reacts to what has been said with hurt does not mean that one has been emotionally abused.” (3)
I have never in any way attempted to control the behavior of my mother. I have made it clear that I have been hurt. I have asked for respect multiple times, sometimes peacefully and othertimes less so. And let’s be clear about this too: homophobia is not respectful. Telling me repeatedly that if I choose to love and marry a woman I will go to hell is not respectful. Ignoring when I ask you to stop telling me these things is not respectful. Trying to diagnose me behind my back is not respectful. Refusing to accept this part of my identity and instead trying to convince me it’s a mental disorder is not respectful. I ask her only to see me as a human being, one who is whole, and gay. The fact that she has fallen apart so much over this is upsetting for me to watch. I am sorry for that. But I think it speaks more about her need to do some deep soul searching, than it does for me to need to suddenly change my orientation on her behalf.
My mother turns 56 this November. She is more than old enough to be responsible for her feelings and her behavior. I for one am done making excuses for her. I for one am done trying to blame her behavior on something that I have done. I for one am done living in an abusive relationship.
I appreciate Elder Holland’s talk this past conference, but I feel his qualification on forgiveness after abuse was looked over by many, and honestly was a little unexplored. He says ‘ [Christ] did not say, “You are not allowed to feel true pain or real sorrow from the shattering experiences you have had at the hand of another.” Nor did He say, “In order to forgive fully, you have to reenter a toxic relationship or return to an abusive, destructive circumstance”' (5). We are not given a timetable for how quickly we must forgive. I understand that his whole talk was about forgiving quickly, but these wounds of mine run deep. Deeper than any other wounds I have sustained before, and I hope will ever have to endure again. They will be with me in some form for the rest of my life. It’s going to take me time to heal.
I have asked her not to contact me, and I hope in an effort to turn a new less-controlling-leaf she will respect that. I know that she read my last entry, so I want her to know it would help me trust her more if she would respect that. It would also help me trust her more if after significant time and probably therapy she were able to take some responsibility for all of this and make some significant changes to her behavior in relationships. I am under no obligation to continue our relationship and I make no promises about the future. I was never given a choice about having a relationship with my mother, but it is now my choice to try to live a healthier life without her.
alongside.
Let’s start with definitions. Psychological abuse (also referred to as psychological violence, emotional abuse, or mental abuse) is a form of abuse, characterized by a person subjecting, or exposing, another person to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder (1). In 1996, Health Canada argued that emotional abuse is "based on power and control", and defines emotional abuse as including rejecting, degrading, terrorizing, isolating, corrupting/exploiting and "denying emotional responsiveness" as characteristic of emotional abuse (2).
“Emotional abuse is an attempt to control, in just the same way that physical abuse is an attempt to control another person. The only difference is that the emotional abuser does not use physical hitting, kicking, pinching, grabbing, pushing, or other physical forms of harm. Rather the perpetrator of emotional abuse uses emotion as his/her weapon of choice.
Commonly, the perpetrator of emotional abuse does not know that he or she is being abusive. Rather, she may be aware that she feels insecure about whether or not her partner loves her, so she feels compelled to accuse him of cheating, blame him for her unhappiness, or constantly check his voice and text messages, etc. The accusations, the blame, and the constant checking up are forms of emotional abuse. “ (3)
Replace cheating with “leaving the church” or “following Satan” and the comparison still stands.
The common argument in favor of someone who’s emotionally abusive is they do what they do out of love. I believe that’s true. It doesn’t make it not abusive. Attempting to control another person’s behavior, no matter the motivation, is still abuse. If anything, trying to rationalize controlling behavior with the ultimate noble motivation is arguably the most manipulative way to blame a victim for their situation. I’ve watched her make this rationalization in real time, over and over again. It’s often supported by how she interprets what Prophets and Apostles say. Because she is my mother, and because she loves me, because she wants us to be reunited in the celestial kingdom and because the Apostles have made it pretty clear queer people have to live a very specific way in order to achieve that (which includes either lifelong celibacy or mixed orientation marriage both of which can be damaging for a person), She feels justified in trying to control my behavior to those restrictions. She hasn’t spelled it out as such, but she has told me in less words that this is the case. It is her spiritual duty as a mother to control my behavior, and never stop trying to control my behavior.
“He may think that he knows what’s best for his partner or what looks correct to the outside world, so he is constantly trying to control her every move, criticizing her harshly when she doesn’t do it his way or threatening her when she seems to go outside the lines. He may verbally attack her when she argues with him, because her arguing is convincing evidence to him that he is not in control of her. He may criticize her talking, her walking, her dressing, her interactions with others, her style of living and coping in order to gain and keep control over her." (3)
Being told that I don’t know what my own feelings are and that my parents know me better than a licensed professional or myself when I come out to them is manipulative. Having what people think of our relationship be more important than my lived experience has been tiring. This is especially true when she talks about me behind my back, which surely happens. It’s damaging when it happens within our family, a support group that’s supposed to be inclusive and safe. I’ll get back to this later. The criticism I received for moving in with Rachael was irrational, and based solely I believe on the fact that she wanted me to move in with her. Again, for that sweet security that control offers. When I did not, and when she helped me voluntarily only to verbally attack me for taking that help, it was a sloppier but scarier manifestation of manipulation. I pulled back my interaction with her after that, and walked on eggshells the rest of her stay to be on her good side without apologizing for her volunteered help because that’s crazy bullshit.
“For example: Mary constantly criticizes Tim in hopes that by putting him down, she will be able to control his behavior. She belittles him when they are alone, and she puts him down in front of others. When he tries to speak up for himself or call her on her behavior, she attempts to make him feel like he is crazy, like everyone knows he’s crazy, and no one would ever take him seriously (AKA gaslighting). She blames him for her unhappiness frequently, holding him responsible for how she feels. She takes little to no responsibility for her own choices and behavior. She uses a double-standard when it comes to her own behavior, not holding herself accountable when she does the same exact things for which she criticizes him. She calls him stupid, inept, dumb, and other like names frequently. When he speaks to her relatives or friends, she rolls her eyes in an attempt to manipulate them into disrespecting him. She frequently treats him with disdain and even disgust. She threatens to leave him or to stop speaking to him frequently. And she refuses to show him affection, giving affection only when he does exactly what she wants. She is especially cold, even nonverbal, when she is mad at him. Sometimes she goes days or even weeks without speaking to him. Mary also goes to other family members and friends of Tim’s to talk to them about Tim, thus isolating Tim from those who would be supportive and could let him know that he is being abused. Mary is showing a distinct pattern of emotional abuse that comes at Tim from several different directions:
1. Constant criticism or attempts to manipulate and control
2. Shaming and blaming with hostile sarcasm or outright verbal assault
3. The use of shaming and belittling language
4. Verbal abuse — name-calling
5. Withholding affection as punishment
6. Punishment and threats of punishment
7. Refusal to accept her part in the dynamic
8. Mind games, such as gaslighting, when it comes to accepting personal responsibility for her own happiness
9. Refusing to communicate at all
10. Isolating him from supportive friends and family.” (3)
Keep in mind, even if your partner only does a handful of these things, you are still in an emotionally abusive relationship. Do not fall into the trap of telling yourself "it's not that bad" and minimizing their behavior. Remember, everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and respect (4).
I have tried in different ways to show my mother that the things she does and says are hurtful. This is not the first time that these things have been discussed between us. The fact that she rationalizes it away, ‘forgets’ things that happen or that she says, and refuses to actually apologize in any meaningful way or take any responsibility for her actions takes it away from being just hurt to manipulation. Her past attempts to rewrite experiences saying that ‘[she] never said that’, or ‘[she] doesn’t remember that’ contribute to gaslighting. Clinging to rationalizations to justify her homophobia as loving and respectful is controlling. Holding me responsible for how she feels when I respond with hurt because ‘she loves me’ and how can I hold things against her that she does out of love removes her responsibility for her own feelings. Resorting to verbal abuse when I choose not do what she says is just verbal abuse. And my personal favorite, speaking to my brother behind my back and without my knowledge to the effect that he no longer supports me Isolated me from my family in a real way. It’s not a me or her situation Scott. It shouldn’t have ever been.
“Let’s talk about what emotional abuse is not. It is not emotionally abusive to break up with a partner. It is not emotionally abusive to argue with your partner. It is not emotionally abusive when someone reacts to what you have done with hurt. People react out of their own perceptions, so their reactions do not define your behavior. It is also not emotional abuse to speak one’s mind with blunt honesty. Perhaps the statement lacks tact, but it is not emotionally abusive. Again, just because someone reacts to what has been said with hurt does not mean that one has been emotionally abused.” (3)
I have never in any way attempted to control the behavior of my mother. I have made it clear that I have been hurt. I have asked for respect multiple times, sometimes peacefully and othertimes less so. And let’s be clear about this too: homophobia is not respectful. Telling me repeatedly that if I choose to love and marry a woman I will go to hell is not respectful. Ignoring when I ask you to stop telling me these things is not respectful. Trying to diagnose me behind my back is not respectful. Refusing to accept this part of my identity and instead trying to convince me it’s a mental disorder is not respectful. I ask her only to see me as a human being, one who is whole, and gay. The fact that she has fallen apart so much over this is upsetting for me to watch. I am sorry for that. But I think it speaks more about her need to do some deep soul searching, than it does for me to need to suddenly change my orientation on her behalf.
My mother turns 56 this November. She is more than old enough to be responsible for her feelings and her behavior. I for one am done making excuses for her. I for one am done trying to blame her behavior on something that I have done. I for one am done living in an abusive relationship.
I appreciate Elder Holland’s talk this past conference, but I feel his qualification on forgiveness after abuse was looked over by many, and honestly was a little unexplored. He says ‘ [Christ] did not say, “You are not allowed to feel true pain or real sorrow from the shattering experiences you have had at the hand of another.” Nor did He say, “In order to forgive fully, you have to reenter a toxic relationship or return to an abusive, destructive circumstance”' (5). We are not given a timetable for how quickly we must forgive. I understand that his whole talk was about forgiving quickly, but these wounds of mine run deep. Deeper than any other wounds I have sustained before, and I hope will ever have to endure again. They will be with me in some form for the rest of my life. It’s going to take me time to heal.
I have asked her not to contact me, and I hope in an effort to turn a new less-controlling-leaf she will respect that. I know that she read my last entry, so I want her to know it would help me trust her more if she would respect that. It would also help me trust her more if after significant time and probably therapy she were able to take some responsibility for all of this and make some significant changes to her behavior in relationships. I am under no obligation to continue our relationship and I make no promises about the future. I was never given a choice about having a relationship with my mother, but it is now my choice to try to live a healthier life without her.
- Dutton, Donald G. (Summer 1994). "Patriarchy and wife assault: the ecological fallacy". Violence & Victims. Springer. 9 (2): 167–182. PMID 7696196.
- National Clearinghouse on Family Violence (1996). Emotional abuse. Ottawa, Canada: Public Health Agency of Canada. OCLC 61563015. Factsheet.
- Matthews, Andrea. (September 2016) “When Is It Emotional Abuse?” Psychology Today.
- Gordon, Sherri. (September 2018) “How to Identify and Cope With emotional Abuse” . Verywell mind. verywellmind.com.
- Holland, Jeffrey R. (October 2018) “The Ministry of Reconciliation”. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day saints. lds.org.
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